Thursday, July 30, 2020

How to Beat the Quarantine Blues

Where I live, if you want to take a trip to one of our neighboring states, you have to quarantine yourself for 14 days once you arrive. Recently my state added a new requirement. When you return (to your own home, mind you), you have to quarantine yourself for another 14 days. It’s all to help stop the spread of the virus, of course, but still. That’s a whole month of quarantining for a single trip to the mountains or seashore that maybe wasn’t all that much fun to begin with. Don’t you wish there was some way to make quarantine time pass more quickly? Well, now there is!

Introducing the QuarantineXpress™! It may look like an ordinary mummy-type sleeping bag, but just pop yourself into it (all the way, please), press a few brightly-colored buttons, and viola! Your two weeks of quarantine will zip by in the time it takes to make a tunafish sandwich. Think of the hours and days you’ll save! No more moping around the house waiting to get sick (or not), gazing out the window as your friends and neighbors go about their socially-distanced business, free as a bird.

Maybe you’re up for exploring a bit more deeply into the future. For that, we offer the available Out-and-Back™ feature, which lets you set the dial for up to six months ahead. Go on! Take a look around at the world of the future, and be back before anyone knows you’re gone. Who won the election? Is there a vaccine yet? Are Carl and Tina still a thing? Is the country at war with anybody new? How’s that going?

You might be asking, why only six months? Why not longer? We believe it’s fair to say there are certain risks involved in longer trips. For example, during product testing, a group of volunteers at our East Coast facility decided to try for 300 years out, reportedly to see if the pandemic might be over by that time. Unfortunately, they failed to return. It is thought that when they arrived in 2320, they found themselves at the bottom of the sea.