Dear Valued Customer:
Doesn’t it feel like companies of all sizes keep intruding on your life with endless advertising pitches, trying to pry money loose from your wallet, trying to PERSUADE you to make a buying decision? “Our hair-care products are superior and will do you better, for the same money.” Or less money! “Our tires, our beer, our ED medicine, landscaping services, birdseed, groceries, pet food, real estate, etc., are all better for you than whatever it is you’re using,” which may be nothing at all, depending on the category, and up until now we’ve had to market to you, to CONVINCE you to make the SWITCH, to make the CHOICE, to get you to STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING and think seriously about BUYING something and then actually MAKE A PURCHASE!
It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Don’t you find all these ads and teasers and mailers and relentless unsolicited phone calls and pop-up ads on the websites you otherwise enjoy EXHAUSTING? Because that’s what they are! And you know what, we find them exhausting too. Imagine being in our shoes and year after year having to come up with something new to say about yoga pants.
Well, now we don’t have to, and neither do you.
Starting next month, we here at LotsaBoxes, along with our friendly global network of trading partners, many of whose products you already use, or long for, or at least tolerate, will have finished reworking the whole system, and done so in a way that’s going to be a big relief for everybody, especially you.
What we’re going to do is, instead of trying to convince you to buy stuff, giving you (and us) a constant headache, we’re just going to ship it to you without you having to ask for it. Because we know all about you (from your online activity and buying history), and, Dear Valued Customer, we have a pretty good idea of what you want, or should want. Don’t we? Yes, we do. Need a new roof? Need new running shoes? Need a lawyer? Need some aspirin? We already know you do!
Simply put, we’re about to make your life the most carefree it’s ever been!
It has long been said that the business of the country is business, and this is going to be a big boost to business, because we’ll save time and money when we stop having to wait for you to hit the “Place Order” button, and just focus on manufacturing stuff and shipping it to you. A more streamlined, less stressed-out manufacturing-and-shipping sector will make for a stronger nation, a happier world!
And forget about getting a bill from us. That’s so yesterday! We’ll just charge your credit card, or debit your checking account, through our friendly worldwide partners in the consumer finance industry and with the cooperation of our affiliates in your state house.
Sure, we already know your credit card number, that won’t be a problem. You did know that, right? You did know that there’s actually nothing particularly secure about your internet transactions, despite how we dress them up? And of course we already know your checking account number, so we can always withdraw our money right there. We mean, it really is practically our money already. We just let you keep it some of it for a little while, with you thinking that it’s yours.
Sure, you’ll be able to OPT-OUT, if you really must. Actually, the only way to stop the flow of boxes (remember: you didn’t have to go to the trouble of ordering them) is to OPT-OUT. If you really do want to OPT-OUT of this sumptuous cornucopia of good things coming to you in easy-on-the-eyes light-brown corrugated cardboard from global entities that know you and love you, if you really, really want to call a halt to this effortless flow of shiny new goods to your door, you will be required to tell us. You’ll need to OPT-OUT at the end of every seven-day period; otherwise, you can count on our terrific program to automatically continue. (Are you absolutely sure you want to OPT-OUT?) You’ll need to OPT-OUT each Sunday morning between the hours of 7:00 and 8:10 Pacific Time for the week following. You can OPT-OUT by accessing our updated, easy-to-use website, designed for your delight and pleasure and fully staffed with helpful LotsaBoxes specialists, and there will never be a delay or glitch, no not ever ever ever for as long as the Earth shall rotate. OPT back IN at anytime, and the goods will come and keep coming (and isn’t that what you really want after all?), freeing you from all doubts and decision-making, which are often such a burden.
And you know what this means? That’s right! No more ads! NO MORE ADVERTISING! Think of it! For the first time in history, NO MORE ADS to have to endure, mute, swipe away, crumple up and throw in the trash! No one crafting ever-more-bewildering marketing schemes to get you to part with your (our) cash. What a relief! What a savings of time and energy! We’ll just send you what you want, and help ourselves to your bank account. Painless! You won’t even know it’s happening!
Next up: Relief at last! from the tedium of state, national, and local elections.
Friday, June 24, 2022
Dear Valued Customer: